Long Distance Relationship_Answer

Posted on Tuesday, July 7th, 2015 at 1:05 am.

Moving across the country to be with someone you love in order to be together and deepen the relationship is a very enticing idea.  It sounds like the two of you have had and continue to have lots of communication and a fair amount of face-to-face time, though a lot of it sounds more dreamlike than real.  Long distance relationships can be a viable basis for further commitment, but it is important to keep in mind that the honeymoon quality of this type of relationship can mask as much as it reveals.

In other words, you know the man you are dating in the context of a long distance relationship, but that doesn’t tell you how it would actually be to live together on a day-to-day basis.  It is a big deal to leave behind school, a job, family, friends and your familiar surroundings to join your boyfriend in this new adventure.  He will have the security of having an established home, friendship circle, job, and a comfort with his surroundings. You will be initially dependent on him to provide that sense of safety and security for you as you transition into a totally new life situation.

I think it is appropriate to get very clear on what it means to each of you to undertake a move of this magnitude and how each of you is thinking about the relationship and the future.  If you are footloose and fancy-free, have few ties to Colorado and are ready for a change, it may not matter to you whether the relationship is moving toward long-term commitment.  But most adult women and men have dreams and expectations about what it means to move across the country to be with the person they love.  The vision of a secure future with your partner is what makes it worth the effort and risk of moving.

I sense from your question that the level of commitment you and your partner have is important to you and probably has a shaping influence on your willingness to move across the country. If this is so, I would not consider moving until it is crystal clear that you and your partner are on the same page with respect to commitment and the future.  You don’t necessarily need to have a marriage license to feel comfortable making the move, but if he is repeatedly shying away from the subject, I would be wary. You probably aren’t on the same page.

First, get very clear on what level of commitment you would need to take the plunge, uproot yourself and move to be with your boyfriend.  Let him know where you stand and what you need then put the ball entirely in his court. If you have to cajole or persuade or threaten him into a commitment, how real can that commitment really be? It’s hard to give up control (or the illusion of control), but you need to let go and see what he does or doesn’t do.  Does he step up and meet your needs?

Pay attention to his behavior, not just his words, and listen to your own intuition.  Don’t let wishful fantasies cloud your vision. This is the time to put romance aside and take a clear-minded look at his attitude and behavior.  If you don’t get a strong, clear message from him that he is also moving toward long-term commitment, take your time and don’t leap unless you are truly prepared and feel that the risk you are taking is worth what you are leaving behind.

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