Posted on Tuesday, May 2nd, 2017 at 9:39 pm.
In the first two installments of this series we took a look at resolving couples conflict related to money and household chores. We’re tackling another big topic today, children. These are tips for helping you get through conflicts in the moment, but if you and your partner are experiencing conflict on a regular basis, give us a call. You might benefit from speaking with a professional, objective third party.
When Kids Play You Against Each Other
We’ve all been there. Children are smart and can use their intelligence to be pretty darn manipulative when they want something. They are all about immediate gratification, so doing whatever it takes to get their way seems like a perfectly reasonable approach to them.
Our best advice is to communicate directly with your partner when making “yes or no” decisions. Avoid ever telling your child, “if your mother/father says it is okay.” You are abdicating your responsibility. Not only does that set a bad example for your child, it is almost always a recipe for creating conflict. Instead, tell your child, “I’ll give you an answer in a little while.” Then, talk to your spouse directly and agree in advance on an answer.
When You Disagree on Boundaries and Rules
You think it is fine for your 14-year-old daughter to wear makeup. Your spouse disagrees and is determined to have their way. Your spouse thinks your 14-year-old son should be able to go out at night with his 18-year-old teammates, in their cars, with no supervision. You think it is a very bad idea.
Most importantly in these situations, do not have the discussion in front of your children. Make sure you have a private conversation. And, be clear with each other about your concerns. Likely, you position on a topic is more about you and less about your child or the actual situation you are fighting about. Will you be so worried about your son going out with older boys that it will keep you up at night and cause you constant anxiety? Tell your partner that. They may be much more likely to come around to your way of thinking if the focus is on your well-being.
When Your Partner Makes a Decision You Disagree With
What do you do when your partner has made a unilateral decision, set an expectation with your child, or given them permission to do something that you disagree with?
Again, communication is really the key. You may be upset with your spouse about making a decision without you, but focusing your discussion on something that is already done, isn’t likely to produce anything but more conflict. Have a calm discussion about the importance of making decisions together, and come up with a plan to make sure that unilateral decisions are avoided in the future.
If you are in the Loveland area, give me a call and come in for a consultation. I’m here to help.
Posted on Monday, April 3rd, 2017 at 9:07 pm.
It may be tough to admit that arguing over housework is an area of conflict in your marriage. You aren’t alone so don’t feel bad if you’re struggling with this.
Living with another person is difficult under the best circumstances. We bring expectations about household chores—from how and how often they are done, to who does them—into our relationship based on how our family managed household responsibilities.
Ultimately, you can’t expect your partner to change their ways of doing things to meet your needs. Compromise and communication are going to be the keys to keeping your irritation and frustration in check. It might also help you to keep in mind that your partner might be just as annoyed at your habits as you are with theirs.
You may be sensing that this is a theme, especially if you read our last blog about money and conflict.
Discuss your expectations. Find out where you don’t agree, and decide where you are willing to compromise. Maybe if you expect the bed to be made every day and breakfast dishes to be done before leaving work, you’ll either have to accept that you’ll be doing those chores yourself, or change your expectation and learn to be okay with things going undone. On the other hand, if your partner thinks it is okay to leave their dirty dishes in the sink for days at a time, maybe they need to adjust their expectations about what is and isn’t acceptable when you are sharing a home with another person.
See, it’s a theme. Make a plan and continue talking about it. Don’t expect perfection and don’t use the plan as a way to hit your partner over the head with their failings. Be flexible day to day, and focus on the positive. Tell your partner when you notice that they’ve done something to make you happy, whether it is emptying the dishwasher or cleaning the bathroom. Don’t just let things go by unnoticed. We all need to feel appreciated and acknowledged.
Finally, don’t hold on to your need to be right about everything. In the big picture, is it more important that your partner loads the dishwasher the way you think it should be loaded, or that you are happy, healthy and in love. The answer should be pretty clear.
If any of this sounds familiar, give me a call to schedule a consultation of individual or couples counseling in Loveland. I’m here to help.
Posted on Thursday, March 2nd, 2017 at 5:17 pm.
Conflict over numerous issues manifests in different ways in different relationships. And it is something that I help my marriage and family therapy patients deal with frequently.
One of the reasons that conflict resolution is a difficult issue for many couples to address is that they mistakenly believe that resolution results in a solution that makes everyone happy. That’s not always the case. When we identify the true causes of conflict, sometimes the solutions can be hard to swallow.
With that in mind, this series of three articles will address how to identify and work through conflicts in your relationship before they become unmanageable.
As always, engaging with an independent and caring mediator can often prove the best path to success. So don’t hesitate to reach out to Inner Source Psychotherapy and Consulting for help. That’s what we’re here for.
Resolving conflicts about money
- Determine if your conflict is really about money. Setting and sticking to a budget seems like a simple thing, but for some people, it is very difficult. When this is the source of conflict, the underlying issues pertaining to unwillingness to manage basic financial needs must be addressed.
- Be honest. Do you shop for shoes secretly and never tell your spouse? Do you spend money on outside interests that your significant other doesn’t know about? As long as you are keeping money secrets, you are going to have conflict. A good therapist can help you understand why you are keeping money secrets. Is it a trust issue? Is it about control? Or are there other circumstances driving the behavior?
- Discuss your beliefs and family history. If your money management styles differ, it could be a tremendous source of conflict. Do you come from a family that paid cash for everything, believed in not having any debt, lived frugally, and pinched every penny for a rainy day? If you do, imagine how the money habits you’ve developed would seem to your spouse if they came from a family that lived in the moment, treated money as a tool for buying the latest and greatest toys, and worked hard to keep up with the Joneses.
Money problems don’t have to be a lifelong source of conflict in your relationship. If you are struggling, give us a call.
Posted on Monday, February 27th, 2017 at 6:55 pm.
Counseling for caregiver depression
Our population here in Loveland is aging. Currently, the number of residents 65 years of age and older is 15 percent. That number is only going to grow. And with one in five seniors expected to suffer from dementia or alzheimer’s at some point in their life, more and more of us are finding ourselves caring for parents or grandparents.
Caring for your own mental health
If you are a caregiver suffering from symptoms of depression, you are not alone. Forty percent of caregivers are suffering right along with you. Caring for an elderly parent is complex and takes a physical and mental toll. Without help, it can be overwhelming and lead to the deterioration of your own physical and emotional well being.
It is critical to care for your own health when caring for someone else. Our specialty counseling services help caregivers identify triggers for their depression, help them develop habits and tools for better handling their own symptoms, and ensure that they remain healthy so they can continue to care for their loved ones.
Ask for help
You can get the help you need from Dr. Beth Firestein right here in Loveland for this and other family or aging related counseling needs.
Remember to be kind to yourself. You are doing the best you can under very difficult circumstances. Family dynamics are often complicated under the best circumstances. You will get frustrated. You will make mistakes. That’s not only okay, it is unavoidable. By reaching out to a professional counselor for the help and support you need, you can learn to do a better job caring for yourself so you can continue to be there for the people you love.
Posted on Sunday, January 15th, 2017 at 3:32 pm.
A month or two ago, we discussed Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). This condition results from shorter days and colder temperatures, just to name a few reasons. Now that we’ve hit January, many people will feel SAD very sharply. The holidays are done, but they still need to be paid off. It’s cold outside. It gets dark at 4:30pm. It can be a very rough time of year, and the perfect time to lean on a professional for support.
In between counseling sessions, there are things you can do in your own home to make winter more bearable. Read on for some great ideas!
Let light into your environment
Our bodies start to crave daylight in the winter, and this deficit can make us feel very low. Open your blinds and sit closer to windows to get that much-needed daylight. If it’s stubbornly cloudy, consider investing in a light box, which is an artificial light source that can help you as much as an antidepressant.
Turn up the cheery music
Studies have shown that upbeat music can have a profound impact on mood. Even if you feel like wallowing in sad music, choose a happier playlist and feel your mood go up. It will be worth it.
Get some exercise
You’ve probably heard that exercise is beneficial. You may even depend on exercise to elevate your mood. The problem is, exercising can be a challenge in winter. It’s cold outside, and indoor options can seem limited. Do what it takes to access a facility where you can walk or run for at least half an hour under bright lights. It will lift your spirits and help you reach springtime in better emotional and physical shape.
Turn to Dr. Beth Firestein for compassionate, expert counseling services. Learn more today!
Posted on Thursday, December 15th, 2016 at 2:39 pm.
When December rolls around, some people feel excited by the prospect of the holidays. However, some people dread them. Even if you absolutely adore the holidays, they can be stressful. The change in routine, diet, and sleep can truly wreak havoc on anyone. Add in relatives or loneliness because of a lack thereof, and the holidays pack a punch. The good news is, there are things you can do to keep yourself steady and make the most of special days. Read on for some ideas to see if any will work for you!
Don’t go through the holidays just reacting to whatever happens. Instead, take control by thinking ahead and setting limits for yourself. For instance, maybe you reduce the stay at your parent’s house from four days to two. If there’s a holiday party coming up that you know will be a lot to handle, plan on stopping by for a few hours rather than attending the whole time. When you know what you want to do, you can communicate it to others and manage their expectations. That way, they won’t be taken by surprise, and you won’t have to feel bad.
Relax about the way things should be
People fail to realize just how immense the cultural pressure is during the holidays. They spend their energy trying to make their holidays what they’ve heard they should be rather than what they would enjoy. When tension, arguments, or melancholy crop up, many people try to deny them in the name of having perfect holidays. Don’t fall into this trap. Instead, acknowledge negative feelings and give yourself and your loved ones the chance to be human.
Sometimes, helpful tips just aren’t enough. Getting the help you need is essential during the holidays. Turn to Beth Firestein and let her be your ally this December. Contact our Loveland counseling office today!
Posted on Tuesday, November 15th, 2016 at 11:03 pm.
In our last blog, we discussed Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). Though there has been some conflict over whether SAD is an actual condition, all you have to do is look around to see how fall affects people. While some rejoice in the cool air, dead leaves, and coming snow, others mourn the loss of light, plants, and warmth. If autumn and winter get you down instead of boosting you up, you may be experiencing SAD. Of course, people experience it on all different levels. Some just feel minor irritation, and others are almost incapacitated by it. Either way, there are solutions.
We talked about depression and how it’s the first sign of SAD. However, SAD can manifest itself in other ways as well. In today’s bog, we want to discuss them so you can discover if they’re impacting you. They are often experienced in conjunction with depression.
Symptoms of SAD
- Difficulty concentrating
- Lethargy during the day
- Less active than usual
- Sleep longer than normal and struggle to wake up
- Increased appetite, especially for carb-heavy foods
Like many emotional and mental difficulties, SAD is unavoidable for many people. The seasons change, no matter what we do! The key is understanding that there are things we can change for ourselves. There are many ways to make autumn and winter not only bearable, but enjoyable. At Inner Source, we work hard to provide world-class counseling that empowers people to experience life like they want to. Our experienced psychotherapist, Beth Firestein, has worked with hundreds of people over her many years as a counselor. She is ready to be your closest ally as the snow flies. Contact our Loveland office for an appointment today!
Posted on Saturday, October 15th, 2016 at 11:04 pm.
As we head toward winter, the Colorado air gets cooler and the sun sets sooner. For some people, this means cozy evenings and enjoying the absence of summer’s heat. However, it isn’t that way for everyone. When the plants go to sleep, the sun sets before the workday is done, and you wake up in the dark each morning, some people experience profound difficulty living daily life. It can hit them so hard they can’t function right and end up struggling through the winter. The effect of changing seasons on people is called Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD. It’s something that many people put up with, but you don’t have to. Inner Source is here to help!
If you aren’t sure that SAD is impacting your life, there are some signs you can watch for as we move further into the cold months. Keep in mind that SAD shows up in the fall and improves in the spring. Some people experience minor symptoms and others experience it more deeply.
A majority of people experiencing SAD feel depressed. Depression manifests itself in several different ways, and one way might be stronger for you than another. Read the following list to see if you’re experiencing any of the symptoms:
- Loss of interest or pleasure in normal activities
- Low mood that won’t go away
- Despair, worthlessness, guilt
- High stress and anxiety
- Withdrawing into oneself
- Reduced libido
If you’re persistently experiencing any of these symptoms, SAD may be getting a hold on you. We encourage you to make an appointment with Inner Source. The seasons will always change, but you can make this winter the best one ever with the guidance of Beth Firestein. An experienced psychotherapist, she has over a decade of experience to offer you. Contact our counseling office in Loveland today!
Posted on Tuesday, September 27th, 2016 at 12:22 am.
I’m guessing that you have a lot of people in your boat and their boat is weighed down just as much as yours. Even for those who haven’t lost jobs or had major cuts in income, the fear and stress of that possibility are there. Just ask them.
There are three issues that intertwine with your dilemma. The first issue is socioeconomic class and how “have-mores” relate to “have-lesses” around times of holiday celebrations and gift giving. The second issue concerns expectations of yourself and others and the need to be sure those are realistic in light of your changed circumstances. The third issue involves clarifying what you wish to express to those you care about and what the holidays mean to you and those you love.
Socioeconomic differences are generally a taboo subject for most people. We all know people in our personal, social and work lives who have more money or social standing than we do and others who have less. It’s hard to go from having more to having less in your own family. Often, it means not being able to do what you have been able to do for others in the past. This year, think about giving non-material “gifts” to those you appreciate: notes of appreciation, a home-cooked meal, or the invitation to spend time together sharing a meal or seeing a movie. Our time and thoughtfulness are really some of the best gifts we can give.
Next, examine your expectations. They come in two forms: the expectations we have of others and the expectations we put upon ourselves. Think about your expectations of others. I’m guessing that you probably don’t require as much material giving from those you care about as you may expect yourself to give to them, especially if you have had the means to do so. Working with our expectations and really asking ourselves whether our expectations are realistic can lead to a re-evaluation and revision that can make the situation less stressful for you and your family.
Third, your changed circumstances provide a really valuable opportunity to reflect on what the holidays mean to you and what it is that you want to communicate when you give to others. Giving material or monetary gifts can be one way of saying “I care about you, I appreciate you, and I want to give you something of myself during the holidays,” but these same messages can be communicated in many forms. Use your creativity to create new, non-monetary ways of being generous. The possibilities are endless.
Posted on Tuesday, September 27th, 2016 at 12:19 am.
Question: Money is a big issue in our family these days. In the past, we used to buy gifts for immediate family members, close friends and even a few neighbors and the postman that brings our mail. Now that our income has been cut in half due to layoffs and payments on credit card debt, we can’t afford to give as generously as we used to, but I don’t want the people I care about to feel left out or unimportant.