This is a tricky question because the line between working hard and being a workaholic is pretty thin. It is also tricky to know what we can reasonably ask from our partners about altering their work life to meet the needs of a relationship.
I don’t know what kind of job he has but there are some jobs that put extraordinary demands on the person holding the position. However, there are also people with “normal” jobs that don’t require that level of sacrifice, but which someone can make into workaholic situation by the perfectionist expectations of themselves that they bring to their work.
In addition, in this vulnerable economic time, some people feel they must put in an extraordinary effort just to make sure they are not downsized in the next round of job layoffs. Sometimes this is true. You would have the clearest idea about the circumstances surrounding your partner’s job situation and whether these are truly demands of the job or demands he is putting on himself. Another factor that matters here is whether the overtime is project-driven and therefore time-limited or appears to be without end.
It is perfectly OK to want and ask for time with your partner, especially if you feel the current situation is harming your relationship or creating a significant disconnect between you. You and he need to find a way to talk about this issue that allows him to move beyond his defensiveness and have a constructive conversation. Ideally, he would also be willing to look at himself and really consider the reasons for his choices around his job.
In approaching this, it would be useful to start out by listening to him talk about his job: what it means to him and why he gives so much time to it. Validate that you think he is awesome and that you support him in his profession. See if he will open up about the “why” of his extreme dedication to his job. Then ask if he is willing to listen to your feelings. Is he in an emotional place to really hear you? If not, your conversation is wasted. If he agrees to listen but gets very defensive quickly, don’t persist in the conversation right then.
If you can’t converse successfully you could try writing him your thoughts in an email or a letter and then setting a time to talk after he has had time to digest what you have shared. You could also see if he is open to having someone else meet with the two of you for just a couple of sessions to try and bridge the communication gap.
Ultimately, if he is entirely unwilling or unable to approach the topic or try to meet your needs in the relationship, you will have to decide if this is something you can live with and whether the long-term relationship package is satisfying enough to warrant continuing in the relationship. My hope is that the love the two of you share will allow you to move into a constructive conversation and find a mutually satisfying solution.